It would be my grandfather's birthday today and I wrote him a little letter as an attempt to figure out why I have recently started to cry every time I think about him.
***
Somewhere after the sun goes down but before it gets dark.
When there's still light outside I find myself thinking of you.
Most times I cry. Usually uncontrollably.
I'm confused. I need to talk to you, we need to go over a few very important things.
Such as...Are you in heaven? What's it like? Can you see me? Can I hear you?
Maybe if you could speak to me in a way I can understand. I'm pretty open about trying out different media except the one where you scare the shit out of me. I hate being afraid so if we could keep it averagely transcendent I'd really appreciate it. This way I can guarantee I'll pay more attention than if I am terrified by some ghost. Ok, not "some" ghost but even if it's your ghost I'd still be frightened.
No ghosts, no random moving of things just a simple one on one conversation.
A dream would be nice.
I miss us. You and me talking.
Did you know you were my first friend and that there were times when you were my only friend.
Kind of lonely, I know, but you were the one who taught me how to never feel alone even though I was by myself.
I was a precocious quiet little girl born into a family I felt I didn't belong to. No one would answer my questions and no one didn't even seem to care that I had questions!
You were the only one who saw me differently, who encouraged and appreciated my curiosity.
You were the only one who spoke to me like a grown up even though I was only 7.
By 12 you had me reading all your must-read writers and by 18 I was confident I was going to become one. A writer you would read and hopefully be proud of.
I'm trying to become that girl you saw. I'm not sure grandpa I can see it so clearly. Maybe that is why I've been crying. Maybe I'm sorry. I still need to read The Alchemist.
You are my favourite person in the entire world, did you know that? Did I get to tell you that I love you? That you are the most inspiring person ever? That everything I do I hope will honor the extraordinary example you gave me?
People read epic stories about people like you.
The one where a far from privileged boy walked away from what everybody assumed would be his underprivileged destiny. Without knowing what he would find he chose to dive into the unknown for there was -as you said plenty of times- no greater regret than the regret of not trying.
The story of a brave man, an average man, a humble man.
I promise I'll try my best to live as fully as you. Refusing to limit yourself with walls of certainty. Confident on your quest. Unapologetically you.
To call you my friend has been the highlight of my existence.
Oh and P.S. I have a dog now. He is the cutest dog in the entire world. Objectively speaking.
