I Make Myself

Saved

 

I catch myself choosing silence.

My go-to shell. 

Maybe I said too much.   <--(Constant regret.) 

A question I continuously ask myself.

And Heinz.

"Did I say too much? Was that ok that I said that?"

I mean.

That's how I felt. 

I'm in my head a lot. 

In my space. 

And I don't mean that as a bad thing. 

Except when I need to step out. 

Running helps.

Running has always helped.

Until I robbed the fun out of it.

By making it measurable.

Made running quantifiable. 

Yet it is.

It was a conversation I needed to have.

With myself.

What is running?  <-- (for me.) 

That is why I stopped sharing about it. 

What was there to say about running if it wasn't about pr's and races.

Could I talk about running without the numbers. 

Yeah I could. 

I thought it would be boring. 

But boring is ok. 

Sometimes boring is only a stage. 

A thing to overcome. 

And then it's fun again.

Running should not be boring.

It may be.

It should not. 

But it can.

Then you make it fun. 

Because you love it. 

You want to make it work. 

And it surprises you.

Running always surprises me.

And if you stay with it.

If I keep going.

Forward. 

Moving. 

And then you start.

All over again. 

Making a start line out of the front door.

Each time I head out to run. 

I'm saved. 

.

 

Is Archie your Spirit Animal?

 

Have you ever wondered if Archie is your spirit animal?

Well, wonder no more. Go ahead and take the test. 

 

Please answer yes or no, accordingly.

 

1. Is attention your love currency and/or belly rubs.

2. Do you like humans but prefer dogs.

3. Do you love cheese.

4. Do you have a diverse background.

5. Do you like to move around and travel. In fact you might be living abroad right now. 

6. Won't take no for an answer.

7. Do rainy days feel like kriptonite. 

8. Do you like to look outside the car window.

9. Is sleep your number one priority but also, food. 

10. Is being cute part of your survival mechanism. 

 

If you answered YES to more than five questions then:

 

Congratulations! Archie is your spirit animal. 

 

Archie's Guidance. 

If Archie is your Spirit Animal then it means that you must be cute or smart but probably both. You have a pretty optimistic approach to life because your needs are pretty simple: love, cheese and rest. If you are struggling in any personal area try making self-love a priority. Go out for a walk, play with some friends at the park or demand a back rub from a loved one. 

- 

Archie is a French Bulldog. Despite being "French" he was born in El Salvador into a multicultural family. He lived in Costa Rica for a short but meaningful period of time and is now based in Los Angeles. Even though he likes to go out for walks and car rides he is most comfortable at home where sleeping and eating are his two main activities. He is not fond of rainy rainy days but doesn't mind staying inside if that means getting extra belly rubs. His humans strongly believe he is the reincarnation of a Zen master. 

 

 

love

a description by Maya Kobernik

- 

This is an attempt to write something without judging me. 

While also being honest. 

Al cocinarse los frijoles crecen el doble.

So I decided to talk about Archie. 

Archie saved my life.   <--- Would that be judging?

No, but it definitely sets a bias for the story I am about to tell.

-

I get easily distracted by the things I love. 

But, how can I not?

What I love is never a distraction. 

Actually, it is the opposite. 

Also, yoga saved my life. And running. And writing.

Because those are all manifestations of one thing.

An inner voice.

My voice.

A voice.

-

There is a voice. Sometimes it speaks thoughts, sometimes feelings.

Sometimes it writes love poems. Others hate letters. 

Angry letters. 

It gets frustrated I suspect mostly with my constant need to ask for permission. 

Things I would like to do but fear will make others feel bad. 

I don't like to make people feel bad. <--- But it happens. 

The other side of that coin is to constantly please others.

That is one of the easiest way to let life escape me. 

I am here for myself. Representing me and only me. 

Also, people should not take it personal. 

-

Ignoring the voice makes me feel trapped. A prisoner. As if I am moving inside an actual prison. 

That is when I need that inner voice the most. 

Because it hides.

When I stop listening to her it leaves and hides.

Behind what is already hidden. 

Thus the deeper the journey. 

-

Each time I need to go get her. 

I need to go deeper.

To make our way back. 

Walking, dancing, reading, running and writing.

Smiling, laughing, screaming, panting and crying. 

-

Confidence. 

That is love.

 

 

 

Note to self

Despite your own belief about marriage, 

you will get married. 

Once you meet him, 

you will know.  

You will listen to yourself say: "I could marry this guy". 

You will.

And it will hurt.

From the size of the diamond to the venue and of course, kids.

Getting married will make people believe you have invited them to live comment and question every single one of your choices.

You will get bored. 

 

This will be the beginning of a journey.

The story ends in you knowing your voice is much more stronger than you think.

Once the pain starts to clear you will see choosing love was -and always is- the best decision. 

Even though some times it feels like a challenge.

I would like to tell you to take it easy but the truth is you won't.

That is ok.

 

Cry all you want and live all you need to live. 

Life is full of second chances. 

Keep listening to your own voice. 

Call yourself a traveler while others insist on calling you an immigrant.

Rest assured, what you are is an explorer.

The lesson you have been handed is: Go.

You will go.

 

There will be a day where you will find yourself printing the notecards of your first book.

Yeap. The wildest one of all your dreams. 

When that time comes take a moment and take a picture.

That is you. You are the writer of your own story. 

 

 

I am not your perfect Mexican daughter

--

I wouldn't necessarily use the word perfect. 

But I can definitely say that being a daughter who would not bring shame to the family was one of my top priorities growing up. 

By shame I mean not complying to a mix of religious and conservative society standards. 

In the meantime I gave up the possibility of having an open and authentic relationship with my parents. Especially my mom. 

To say "I am not your perfect Mexican daughter" hit a cord would be an understatement.  

Julia, the main character navigates a family dynamic that constricts, their expectations feel restraining. 

She deals with it the way I dealt with it, by writing.

A path that finally leads her to herself. 

Part of the magic of reading is that the borders of our differences are blurred out.  I forgot Julia's family was Mexican and mine is Salvadorean, how she was born here in the U.S.A and I was not and the fact she is fictional while I am not. I stayed with the character until the end. When I finished the book I was left with the impression of having read a thriller novel. 

Growing up I tried to live in a safe middle ground, a place of trying to be myself while not disappointing others. It has been a painful process to peel myself off the expectations of loved ones, sorting out what does not feel true to myself. That is what I value most from this book, the way it shares that pain. It is the book I would have loved to read as a teenager. Even now as an adult, it makes me feel seen and also brave. 

It highlights the importance of telling our stories. As latinas and as women. Using our voices disrupts the culture of silence. 

Julia and I may share a few things in common but my favorite one is that we both judge books by its cover. This one in particular was love at first sight with a title that is illicitly perfect.